Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*