Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”