*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description