Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere