[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.