{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
😲 WTF? 😆
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.