{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
You Might Also Like
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Happy thanksgiving
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”