Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.