Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.