My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit