About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking