[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
twitter is a journey
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
good work, detective
Trumpy Cat
me, too, girl. me, too.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too