[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If only
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons