[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
You Might Also Like
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious