[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?