Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.