@DamienFahey: About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
@goodersuk74: I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
@junejuly12: Him: Why do you always need the last word? Me: I don't. Him: Me: I don't really. Him: Me: I don't! And that's final. Him: