About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Just so funny
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
hi why am I like this
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril