If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?