About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This will never not be funny 😭
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.