[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*