About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast