About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Living the best life.. 😊
Who called it baking and not making love
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]