{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends