That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
for all #parents out there
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
A duv-egg? In this economy?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
when mom throws a party…
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
my favorite genre of twitter
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.