Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it