[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
12. I think about this all the damn time
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.