[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.