Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs