[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
You Might Also Like
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams