A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Good boy 😂😂
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]