Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
New tinder profile pic
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Put a ring on it
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.