@badbanana: Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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@JediGigi: [cute guy approaches at bar] Him: Hey can I... Me: [blushing] Yes? Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
@sploosk: ME: I've spent my whole life running THERAPIST: from who you are? ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
@samuelhlowe: -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.
@TheToddWilliams: [deathbed] ME: Dear? WIFE: I'm here...don't worry, all your affairs are in order ME: You found out about my affairs? WIFE: What? ME: What?