Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.