@badbanana: Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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@FilthyRichmond: Pregnant women go through a "nesting" phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they've killed.
@BasicLyes: People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
@sploosk: The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
@robfee: There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.