@badbanana: Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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@mattZillaaaa: Some people wake up in the morning & are all like "omg I'm the luckiest person in the world" and I wake up all like "oh my god"
@DeadLioness: They don't seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
@NotJPo: Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.