Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
You Might Also Like
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.