CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Oh. My. God.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby