@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume

@Bearslietoo: My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@KyleMcDowell86: Why do u wanna work at Burger King? *imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king* "I haven't taken my meds in weeks"

@michaelianblack: How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?

@Laser_Cat: They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don't think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I'm just eating it.