Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
🍞🦆
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”