Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
You Might Also Like
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel