Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
You Might Also Like
twitter users today:
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”