You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Real House Wines.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Jurassic park gets weird
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”