Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Just a reminder, folks:
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.