Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*mops up wine with cat*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…