I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need