absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Nomnomnomnom
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
What in the hipster hell is going on here
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look