I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.