Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.