AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Greeting humans vs their dogs
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
The 6 types of sex
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.