@myonlymizztake: AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: (my funeral) Spouse, crying: I'll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now. Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you're S: Oh ffs!
@bridger_w: If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn
@BBQJones28: When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking "they're just keeping me to themselves"