When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
thanks auntie mary