Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
men, we mow at sunrise.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs