Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Haha good job!!
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”