Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.