It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
This probably isn’t good
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist